COURAGOUSLY WRITTEN! "No More Rain in this Cloud" mirrors the experiences of so many battered women in this country. This book is a must read for all women.
Dr. Catherine Ross, Ph.D. Sistercare, Inc
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CHAPTER 1
Here and Now
Each of our lives is a story. Most of the chaos has been removed from my life and I now have to do something to keep my mind occupied and my spirit at rest. So, just for fun, I decided to indulge my fantasy side a bit and pen my story. I have a lot of ideas floating around in my head, a lot of “what-if’s” and such the like. Maybe it is just time to give some form to these ideas, because without form the ideas are meaningless.
Let me say, that I know the difference between fantasy and reality, and that my version of reality is just that, my own version. Other people’s version of the facts may differ from my reality and I am not trying to infringe upon their rights to their memories. More, I am trying to tell my story in my way as I lived it.
Things are relatively stable at the moment, but for most of my thirty-five years I lived in the grips of domestic violence. I’ve closed that chapter of my life and have moved on. I promised myself that if I was able to escape my loveless marriage to Bobby, I’d be self-sufficient. I decided on the day I finally had the courage to leave him that I would do things I’d never had a chance to do; perhaps a little sewing of oats! Being happy and enjoying life was rare in our eighteen years of marriage. Although Bobby was a small man with a thin frame he skillfully used fear, intimidation and emotional and physical abuse to control my every move. But, here I am yet again in a full-blown relationship and to add to it, head-over-heels in love with my soul mate. I’ve been hurt so much; I pray that this time love’s for real.
In the beginning Kevin like I, didn’t want a serious relationship and he was sure he didn’t want another wife after his first marriage ended so bitterly. I ask myself the question, am I setting myself up for failure yet again? I gave some thought to distancing myself, moving out of state even. But I finally decided that I had to let things play out. I figured that at least I had the here and now at any rate, it was best to just ride the wave.
After living so long in a loveless marriage I just wanted to know what it felt like to wake up next to a man I was in love with. I wanted to know what it felt like to miss him during the day and to melt in his arms at night. I want romance in my life and to know what passion feels like. More important, I want intimacy. I’ve thought long and hard about my new relationship with Kevin, and came to a shocking conclusion, I am ready to love and be loved.
I like being in love. I like our time away from everything and everyone. I sincerely believe that the business of life takes too much time, effort and energy. Maybe if I were not fighting against my past so hard I would have more time and energy to enjoy life to its fullest. Perhaps I’m fighting the “do as I tell you” mentality that has been a constant part of my life with Bobby. Before Kevin there was no one who cared enough to ask what I wanted or how I felt about anything. At times I felt invisible, like I wasn’t really there and didn’t really count. Kevin is the first person who seems to know that I am here and that I’m real.
I guess my problem is that for so long I’ve only seen myself through the eyes of others. I believed that my sole purpose was to make other people happy. And somehow it seemed as though the rain always fell on me. I now know in my heart that is not true, but I find myself constantly kicking at the bricks, trying to fend it off. I shouldn’t care what other people think of me, but I do and I guess I always will. Perception to me is important. I often tell myself that no one can take anything away from me, but deep inside I know that they can. At this point in my life I just want someone to love me for me. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask. Even though I can’t see what tomorrow holds, I believe in Kevin mainly because I know that he believes in me.
Kevin and I are alike in many ways and in others we are total opposites. Kevin loves attention and he is comfortable in crowds while I prefer to observe from a distance and quietly sit in a corner. Kevin is a social butterfly and I, on the other hand am a closet moth. I am just not as well grounded in life as he. Perhaps he has a stronger confidence level than I. Still, I find myself pushing people away when they want to get close to me. I have my guard up constantly and I don’t trust easily because I am afraid of being hurt. I’m used to being in a crowd and still feeling lonely.
There are days when I have some ugly stuff running through my head and it is difficult to sort it all out. It isn’t fun carrying it around, and I’m not sure what can be done to stop it from happening. All of the anger I have for Bobby rushes to the surface without warning. All of my lost years that I can’t recoup; all of the mean things he said and did to me are replayed over and over in my head like a broken record. All of the emotions I felt then somehow rush to the surface, and I am ashamed for being so weak.
Bobby used to tell me that it was his job to think – and I hated that: as if I did not have a good, capable mind. It wasn’t fair for him to put me down that way. I’ve since learned that this is a manipulation tactic used by some men in order to control you. They put you down and destroy your confidence so that they can feel good about themselves in an effort to mask their own sense of insecurity. Bobby became a master manipulator, seizing every opportunity to belittle me and make me feel small. It worked for years, but once I came to realize what it was he was doing, I vowed to never let it happen again. I have always viewed myself as weak. But when I sit down and think back on my life I am certain of one thing; I am strong. A weak person would have given up on life. But not me--I was then and am now determined to stop the rain.
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